Pearls & Cupcakes

Yesterday morning I was in a rush to get ready for school and of course, couldn't find my pants (this sadly happens more often then you'd expect.)  I got down on the floor, and using my iPhone as a flashlight, searched for my jeans under my bed.  Once spotted, I grabbed for them and when they were in my hands I saw that something had slid out from under the bed with them.  My pearl hoop earrings.
Earrings that I haven't seen since the last time they were given to me, which was Christmas 2009.  Earrings, which were given to me by a very special person.  I put them on because they just so happen to match my neckless, and ran out the door to get to school before the bell.
Three years ago, the end of August to be exact, my Mother & I drove down to Long Island to spend the day with my Aunt Carol, her sister.  She was bringing me shopping for outfits to wear my first week of freshman year.  My Aunt was one of those people where everything she said left you with a better understanding of whatever it was you were discussing.  She was extremely educated, and is the reason I am now applying to Liberal Art colleges to pursue my dream of being a writer.  She encouraged my passion in every which way and saw the potential in me that I hadn't seen in myself.
I loved her more then night and day.
As we were shopping, we came across the opening of a place called 'The Cupcake Gourmet.'  Being the sweet toothed girls we were with a passion for sugar and anything chocolate, we saw this as a perfect opportunity to get our daily fix.  Upon entering, the woman behind the counter told us that if we signed up for the emailing list,  we would receive a free cupcake with our order.  I picked out a peanut butter cup one.
Six months later, something happen that I never would have imagined on that blissfully perfect August day.  Six months later, I lost the person who understood me more then I understood myself and inspired me to always put one hundred percent in everything I did.
My Aunt Carol lost her battle with a lately caught diagnosis of melanoma.
After that, for the past three years, I would receive an email every month from The Cupcake Gourmet.  I would read them, and remember that August day.  They were my monthly fix of my Aunt.  They kept her spirit alive; almost like they were a gift from her to me.
Yesterday, I was sitting in art class, wearing the earrings which were the last gift my Aunt had given me before she passed, and I received my monthly email.  It's subject being, "The Last One."
As I played with the pearls in my ear, I read about how the cupcake shop was being closed down so it's owner could pursue her dream of being a personal trainer, and this was the last email we would receiver from her.
At first, I teared.  I no longer had my reminder of the woman I loved so much.  The emails in a way made me feel like she was still here, still ever present in my life giving me a little encouragement to keep going.  But then I realized that she had regifted me something I could physically keep with me at all times; my pearl earrings.
You always were a sneaky one, Carol.  I see what you did there... I love you more then night and day.

February

My eyes are closed

And there’s blood on the floor

Left from opened wounds

That have now turned to scars

I can’t get up

I’m glued to the floor

Water hitting my spine

Softer then before

From when your fist was in my face

Your emotions were on my skin

Your pain being pressed

Trying to let me in

Your eyes full of hurt

My body absorbing it

Marks of desperation

Trying to make me understand.

Holding me so tight

Taking my breath away

Not like when we first met though

But this time in forcing me to stay

Those ice blue eyes

Causing me more pain

Then your skin against mine

Forever marked from this display.

The Perks of Experiencing The Wallflower

Being probably one of the only NYC teens who gets labeled a flower child & has never touched a joint in her entire life; I think I experienced my first high yesterday.
Do you ever just witness something so beautiful and so monumental that you just want to scream or get it tattooed all over your body?  Like in the moment... You are infinite.
Yesterday, I walked out of the Sunshine Cinema movie theater on Houston Street feeling like I owned the city blocks and could accomplish anything.  Having read Stephen Chbosky's novel The Perks of Being A Wallflower almost two years ago, I went into the film open minded, expecting just visuals of what the book had represented.  Within the first few moments of my eyes having watched what I can openly & honestly call the most beautiful hour and forty- two minutes of my life, I knew that this would not be another story in which the hipsters would claim was butchered in film.
In order to say all of these things with confident truth, I made sure that once I got home (which was after I fell asleep on the R train and ended up in Brooklyn) I re-read Chbosky's novel.  Turning the pages, I still found myself engrossed with the open ended questions in which he insinuates the answer to, without ever really allowing us to know the true explanation.  The way in which he leaves you to finish the story with your own explanations makes it all the more relatable and fresh.
Being the owner of over 150 books, most being romance novels (I'm still a teenage girl, don't judge) I have to say, although within it's self it may not be categorized 'romance', it is still the most beautiful love story one may ever lay eyes on.  Sorry, Shakespeare.

My Plan To Become Carrie Bradshaw

Every night at 8pm I listen to the bells of the church on the corner.  I sit on my bed, close my eyes, and let the bells lead the direction of my thoughts.  With each rhythmic pattern I dig deeper and beg my inner, overly emotional (and way too sensitive) self, to not just answer my unanswered questions of the future... But to really try and figure out what it is I'm asking.
In my fourth and final year of high school, I'm supposed to know where it is I want to be next year, what I want to major in, how I see myself in ten years, and of course the solution to world hunger.  But surprise surprise, I'm no where even close to that.  This is where if I were on twitter I would hashtag #VictoriaProblems.
From a young age I always thought I had it figured out.  Go off to fancy college, be a fancy English major, and graduate ready to go off into the real world.  One where I would meet my musician husband and we would live in a run down apartment and I would spend my days working on my memoir and nights being his personal groupie.  But I'm afraid to say that it seems life just isn't that kind.
For one, how is a girl like myself going to manage the late night hours and slutty outfits of a groupie?  & Secondly, how am I going to raise my SAT scores to the standards of my parents and what the world around me expects?
I guess when you're captain of the cheerleading team, president of UNICEF club & your church's youth group, photography editor of the newspaper, a member of senior council, editor of the yearbook, and have been a vegetarian for a decade now... People have high expectations of you.
Just thinking about it makes me want to watch season after season of Friends in my underwear and eat my weight in Ben & Jerry's red velvet ice cream.  Which is a great example of how college applications can be perfectly compared to my last break up.
Sadly my horrid but quite charming sarcasm can only get me so far in life... And at the moment that's just been to my room because parent's just can't quite grasp it's humor.
Till next time.